My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
