She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
