i barfeds in our rink
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
