I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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