Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
