she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
