Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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