I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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