A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't notice because vodka
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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