am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
