i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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