The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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