i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize