His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
