toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
