"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
