I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
