Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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