My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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