at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
