i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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