I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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