nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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