I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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