im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
