There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
