i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize