ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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