Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
