Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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