How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
tell me about the fingering
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
