Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
