Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
