I think I died a long time ago.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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