Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
