I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
