If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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