Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
