My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
