I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
