i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
