My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your dad touched me again.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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