I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
