pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
