i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
