If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize