It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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