im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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