I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
