some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Bring me that man meat
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
