turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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