my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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