So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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