I can tuck mytits in my pants
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sober January is a disaster.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
