Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
