My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize