Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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