broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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